I went to the doctor the other day, it was a new doctor. One I hadn’t seen before, but she’d been all over Twitter giving health advice so I thought I’d give her a go.
You know, I’ve had all these health problems for years now, tried so many treatments, had so many examinations and tests, so why the hell not?
I walked in to her surgery, she looked me up and down and said,
“You are fat, your blood pressure is through the roof, your cholesterol is way too high, your internal organs are currently organising a revolt, your PCOS exists because your hormone regulator has been flooded with fat and the reason you are hypermobile is because your fat has got into your DNA and switched things around. Stick two fingers down your throat and see me in a month”
“Wow!”, I said, “You could tell all that without doing any more than glancing at me?”
“Yes”, she replied, “I earned my doctorate on Twitter, it imbued me with magical powers that allow me to accurately judge your health based purely on your appearance”
“That is impressive! I wish I was as clever as you”
“I know”, she said smugly. Then leaned back in her chair, downed a tequila and lit up a cigarette.
“Send the next fattie in and jog on would you”
It was a miracle, I was cured! Thank you random twitter doctor, whatever would I do without you?!